Where are you going...

January 5, 2014

There are some moments when it seems like time slows and for a brief time I'm completely engulfed in that moment. Every other distraction goes away and I'm completely present. I love these moments and I hate to forget them. For this reason, and to remember what my children teach me, I want to write down a few of these special moments.

A couple of months ago I was getting ready for the day and heard Leila awake from her nap. My hair was down as I was attempting to tame it which is a rarity in my "mom life". I picked Leila up and was unswaddling her on my bed when she reached up and started to run her hands down my hair. She didn't grab or pull but just softly touched it and smiled. She looked at me as though I was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. In that moment I realized that she saw me the way the Christ sees me...with perfect love. She doesn't see all the imperfections I see when I examine myself.

One month ago I was having kind of a rough night. Jeremy was at school late studying for finals and I was putting Leila down by myself. Of course she was a little wild and grumpy and I was struggling to get through bedtime. I pulled out the Book of Mormon to just read one verse to her but as I began to read she was so still. She sat quietly on my lap and I read several verses. I then started to pray and she stayed so still and quiet. I was so overcome with the spirit and I started to cry. I poured out my soul in prayer and knew that my Father in Heaven was mindful of me. He knew that not only is it important for Leila to read the scriptures and pray, but that I really need it too. He quieted Leila and I know that she felt the Holy Ghost. When I take the time to look closely I see tender mercies like this in my life all the time where the Lord is reminding me that He is there.

Just yesterday Leila and I were playing together after her morning nap. We were on the ground and she was being her happy, cute self. Then out of no where a song came to my mind that my mom used to sing to my sisters and I when we were little. It goes,

Where are you going my little one, little one?

Where are you going my baby, my own?

Turn around and you're two, 

Turn around and you're four,

Turn around and you're a young girl walking out of the door. 

Turn around, turn around, 

Turn around and you're a young girl walking out of the door. 

Where are you going my little one, little one?

Where are you going my baby, my own?

Turn around and you're tiny,

Turn around and you're grown,

Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of her own.

Turn around, turn around,

Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of her own.

Even writing the lyrics now makes me cry. As I thought of this song and started singing it to her I was so overwhelmed by my love for this little person. How did I get so lucky to be a Mother? I have never met someone as special as Leila...and I know I will feel the same way about each of my children. I of course thought of my mom watching each of her children grow up and realized I too will have to do this same thing. I then thought of my Heavenly Father who watches each of His children grow and make choices and He has given us the agency to do so. I knew at that moment that no matter how deeply I drag my feet to keep her my baby forever, she will grow up and all I can do is raise her to reach her potential. To remind her how special and how loved she is. I already miss rocking her to sleep in my arms, her little grasp on my shirt, her first coos and smiles. But each moment I have with her is another one that I can remember; that I can hold on to. I am grateful for each moment I have with her.